Isostearawhatwhatwhat?

Even though this useless blog has "Hippie" in the title, I can assure you that I am not a hippie. Yes, I espouse some of their principles in wanting people to take care of the environment, live more sustainably, and have as much sex as one can have. I do not, however, espouse nor approve of their willingness to go days without bathing and allowing Patchouli oil to serve as their odor blocking methods. It doesn't work, hippies, you still smell like you just swam though a pond full of French onion soup on the hottest Arizona summer day. Only now, you've added the wretched stink of Patchouli. I know you want peace, man, but making those around you angry by fouling up the air worse than any paper mill could isn't a way to achieve that.

No, I must bathe. I must bathe regularly and often. I suffer from what is commonly known as Autodysomophobia. Yeah, it is a word; Google it, bitches. Don't doubt me. I live in constant fear of offending someone with my personal odor. I am ridiculous in this to the point that if I smell something foul, no matter how unlikely it is that I am the culprit, I have to find a way to check ("Hey, maybe I did shit my pants in this room full of babies"). Yes, it is that bad sometimes. Even when I know it is impossible that I am the one who is funking up the joint, I am anxious that I am. It's another of my really fun quirks.

Anyway, as I was taking a shower yesterday, I started reading the back of the bottle of Dial 3D All Day Odor Defense body wash. I have used this same type of body wash for a while, and never before have I read the back because quite frankly, there are only three things I consider when buying soap: Can I afford it, do I like the smell, and will it keep my ass from getting funky? This one meets all three requirements, so I buy it. I don't need to look at the label. But I did. And it was weird.

I don't have the bottle directly in front of me right now, so I will paraphrase a couple of things, but they will be accurate.

The first thing I find is that Dial promises me that they will destroy odor by using "Odor Control Agents" that will attack the germs that cause odor. Well no wonder hippies don't bathe. There is nothing peaceful about that statement at all. That is a unmistakable provocation with intent to slaughter entire colonies of germs...that is terrible. If you're a hippie. For me, I say "Rock on, Dial, kick some fucking ass with reckless abandon and spare no one." War is hell, I want those odor causing germs to suffer like Belial is having a very bad day. I am glad that Dial cares enough about me to be willing to take up this fight, and from now on, any time I lather up, I am going to envision the agents of the Odor Control Brigade and the sacrifices they make so I don't stink like rotten potato water.

The next thing I find is a list of chemical ingredients with names that I couldn't even begin to pronounce, much less know what they mean. Cocamidopropyl Betaine? Isostearamidopropyl Morpholine Lactate? Are these the things that act as my own personal Secret Service, willing to take a bullet for my aroma? If so, cool, but how the fuck do they come up with this shit? I envision some lab dorks sitting around and another lab dork running in with the excitement of a kid who just discovered porn (yes, with the requisite hard-on) saying something like "Hey guys, I was playing around with the Isopromethylwhatthefuckitall and I mixed in some Chlorofluorofuckthisnameislong and it smells like mangoes and Tahitian sand...let's make some soap! And the other lab nerds get excited and all go running to the lab so they can try and make up their own 18 letter chemical.

No, my soap doesn't smell like mangoes, but I needed an example that which you, the reader, could envision and relate to. If I had said "it smells like fresh" you would have had nothing to attach that to. That's bad writing, and I won't do that to the 4 of you who read this. I care.

Not as much as Dial does, because I'm not going to war. But I'm glad they will, because I need someone on my side to battle these damned odor causing germs. Those fuckers are everywhere, and contrary to what the fucking hippies might say, they don't deserve to live.