Ew.

I understand that sometimes regular old sex in a bed or on a couch or in the back of a Greyhound bus gets boring and people need to branch out to make it interesting again. I know that the thrill of getting caught in a public place or the adrenaline of trying to do it while driving on a winding mountain road can make the experience better. Very few would argue that having a quickie in some place not normally designated for sexual activity is fun and memorable. I know I personally have had some experiences in some places that weren't appropriate and/or legal, and it's great. I'm all about branching out.

Except for some of that crazy fetish shit...I don't get that. Like "Furries." How the fuck does dressing up like a fucking woodchuck and simulating sex with someone dressed like an owl or a skunk or a beaver (not that kind of beaver, dumbasses) help a person get their rocks off? How one could be aroused by imagining themselves being a small woodland creature while sweating profusely inside a mascot costume is perplexing. If you want to fuck a skunk, you fucking freaks, go out into the forest and find one, then have some fun. Mother Nature will let you know how she feels about that. At least you don't have to pay for porn with all of the National Geographic and Discovery and Animal Planet and Rural Farm District TV options there are. Fucking weirdos.

Or that Leather/PVC/Latex shit. What is arousing about squeezing yourself into a non-breathing material that takes an hour to put on and is almost impossible to maneuver in? How is that sexy? How is your chick being so immobile that she can't touch her toes without cutting off circulation to her legs erotic? Personally, I find one of the beauties of sex to be the opportunity to touch and feel the other person, not rub up against someone who feels like they're an electronic device heat-sealed inside one of those packages that are impossible to get open without cutting yourself. If I wanted to fuck PVC, I'd just go find some sprinkler piping and have at it. (Yes, I reused it, get off me. It's mine.)

I could go on questioning some of the more ridiculous "fetishes" ("Ooh, poop on me, please!"), but I won't, because that wasn't original intent of this particular rant. We'll just all agree that those people are fucking psychos with deep-seeded issues that only a bottle of Lunesta or a drunken walk on the outside of a bridge could solve, and move on. This is about a much more disturbing occurrence.

Yesterday, as my daughter was telling me all about her day, she mentions that she was playing in the sandbox at recess. She had a plastic shovel and was digging a hole when she happened upon "...a little sock thingy. I had no idea what it was, but it was squishy." Immediately I asked "You didn't touch it, did you?" She replied that she had only poked at it with the shovel and then buried it again.

What. The. Fuck.

Look fuckers, I don't care if you feel the need to fuck on playgrounds, I think pretty much everyone has tried that one out. But fuck, don't be a disgusting piece of shit and throw your fucking condom in the sandbox. It's not funny, it's just fucking gross. How difficult is it to just carry all of your (thankfully) wasted children and throw them away in the trash can that is 10 fucking feet away? Lazy and stupid, how did you get a chick to agree to fuck you? Were you really fucking in the sandbox itself? Were you trying to make her think she was on a beach or something? Did you spit on her to simulate the spray of a wave crashing nearby? How pleasant was that? Sand all up in her shit making the 30 seconds of "pleasure" you gave her feel like you were wrapped in 40 grit sandpaper...yeah, she's going to be calling you back tomorrow for some more of that. Although maybe sanding is some new fetish I don't know about yet. Whatever. Just stop being a disgusting bastard and leaving the aftermath of your coital adventures anywhere near a spot that kids could happen upon it while they're innocently digging holes to China at recess.

I hate people.