Man Girdles?

As I was sitting in my chair early yesterday morning, wasting a few more minutes of my life on the internet before passing out, I also had the TV on. At one point, I hear "How would you like to get these same incredible results without dieting, without exercising, without pills, instantly? That's right, instantly!" I look up to see what fascinating new diet fad bullshit product they're hawking, and I'm totally fucking blown away by what I see. Not the good kind of blown away where you think "Damn, that's amazing" or "Why didn't I think of that?" No, this was the kind of blown away where you want to weep for mankind and build a shelter and prepare for the imminent doom that surely is coming because people are so fucking dumb to have invented such a stupid fucking product.

If you don't know what I'm talking about yet, Google "SlimTs." Go to the official site. Watch the embedded video of the commercial. Be amazed at the levels to which dumbfucks will stoop in an effort to not look like the fat fucking tub of goo they are. Then find yourself thinking "Holy shit, Matt is right, this is one of the most ridiculous fucking things I have ever seen. Mankind is doomed."

What bothers me slightly more than some fatass sitting in his basement trying to think of a way to make corsetry for men that won't show under a tucked-in t-shirt is the fact that somewhere there is someone picking up the phone to spend $19.95 plus shipping and handling to buy one of these stupid fucking things. Somewhere, some dude who can't stop himself from atrophying on the couch while he chases handfuls of deep-fried pig fat with a 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew is thinking "Hell yeah, if I get that, I can eat whatever I want and still look like Edward Norton, Jr. in American History X! I'm gonna call as soon as I get done waiting for this chest cramp to go away."

To any dumbfuck who might be considering buying one of these things...don't. This idea is stupid. I know, I know, it's been going on for centuries with women: corsets, girdles, "spanks," (and other forms of false advertisement like padded/push-up bras...if you're advertising C cups, that shit better be there when you get naked, bitch...), and I think those are stupid, too. If you're a fat fuck, shoving your fat into some sort of compression gear does not make you thin. It won't even really make you look thin, because you will still have fat elsewhere (if your fat is only in your gut, put the bottle down and give AA a call, Drunktard). It doesn't make you look slimmer, it makes you look like some douchebag sucking in his gut to try to impress a chick. And, if somehow, you manage to fool that chick into believing you're not a complete tool and she goes home with you, how is she going to react when she tries to run her fingers down your stomach only to feel the ribs of your SlimT? Is she going to think that's hot? No. She's going to think it's fucking stupid and hopefully kick you in the balls for being so lazy in your vanity. Is she going to love it when you take off your shirt and the 6 pack she was expecting to see is actually 3 gallons of Jell-O? Probably not. And again, a swift kick to the testicles is in order.

If you want to lose two pant sizes or look slimmer, it's really fucking easy...stop shoveling so much food in your mouth and get the fuck up and do some exercise. Really. That simple. Not fucking rocket science, not some miracle of modern technology, not the brain child of some third-rate inventor who is just re-marketing some bullshit that has been mangling the bodies of women for centuries to appeal to men. Or, since you're lazy and don't like effort, and the only reason you'd wear the man girdle is to pick up chicks, you could take that $19.95, add a nickle and go get a blow job from some cheap hooker. Then it doesn't matter what the fuck you look like. You can let that gut hang out with pride and eat your pork rinds while being pleasured. Just don't get crumbs in her hair, she has to look good for the next guy.