Roller Derby.

If you like watching a bunch of marginally attractive chicks with creative names and a few not even close to potentially attractive chicks (also with creative names) skating in an oval and knocking the shit out of each other, roller derby is for you. If you like watching chicks fall on their asses on a regular basis, roller derby is for you. I like those things, so I enjoy going to watch the local roller derby team.

I'm not overly fond of the asinine prices the bitches at the Civic Center charge for concessions, but that's typical for those types of places, so I just don't bother buying anything while I'm there and that problem is solved.

The problem that obviously hasn't been solved since last season is the completely fucking awful announcers during the event. If you've ever been to a roller derby, you know that they have a couple of announcers pretty much narrating the action, explaining some of the rules and such. Ideally, the announcers would be witty, funny, and enhance your roller derby experience. The announcers at this particular event were not witty, not even in the same neighborhood as funny, and did not enhance the experience. If anything, they made it harder to enjoy, because wishing they would shut the fuck up took away from the amusement of watching any one of the fat chicks on the Kentucky team trying to remain upright.

Speaking of this, I feel as though I need to provide a little bit of unsolicited, completely amateur advice to the opposing team:

1.) Roller derby is an athletic event. I understand that there are some blocker positions that are probably better filled with heftier chicks, but you might want to stock your line-up with a few athletic chicks. It is impressive that the bigger girls can maintain balance and stop that momentum without falling down or needing a runaway truck ramp, but maybe just get a few toned, fit chicks onto your roster. Might help you score some points in the next match.

2.) Roller derby is an athletic event that takes place on roller skates. It's in the name, so it's not like it's a surprise. Perhaps you should ensure that all of your chicks can actually skate. Especially if you are going to put them in the scoring "Jammer" position. That's clearly the position that requires the most skating skill, you should probably keep Happy Gilmore on the bench until she can keep from eating shit on a straightaway when no one is around her. Or maybe one who can generate enough momentum to actually keep moving without having to use one of the other chicks to sling her around. Roller derby should be a fast-paced event, your Jammer shouldn't be struggling to maintain forward motion.

I know, I'm just some dude who may not understand the intricacies of roller derby, but judging by the fact that you were down by 100 points at halftime, I may be onto something.

I digress. Back to the dumb fucking announcers. The jokes were lame. The attempts at pop-culture references were feeble. The only entertainment that could be taken from any of the lame-ass shit they were saying was mocking them. The "like a rhinoceros in a tree" joke wouldn't be funny to you bitches at this point, but in the moment, that shit was funny, because of the mock value. Trust me. But, as funny as it was, it still didn't overwhelm the utter stupidity of the announcers who had the microphones. Fucking microphones, amplifying the completely unfunny bullshit of a couple of droning motherfuckers. I hate you, microphones.

Kinda like internet blogs, amplifying the completely unfunny bullshit of rambling motherfuckers...hmm...

Anyway, go check out some roller derby if you get a chance. Watching people fall is always funny, so even if you have to endure two dumbasses and a microphone, you can still have some fun.