Sweet Chili Shut the Fuck Up

In a revisiting of a previously ranted upon theme, I am going to discuss another fast food commercial that pisses me off more each time I see it. The commercial of choice today is a McDonald's commercial; one in which some douchecake walks into a McDonald's where a bunch of people dressed in various Winter Olympic sports uniforms sit around feasting in the processed, greasy, pseudo-food that is McDonald's cuisine. The voice-over is stating that McDonald's wants to give the fat-asses sitting on their couches a taste of the Olympics, and then proceeds to introduce some sweet chili dipping sauce for McNuggets.

What the fuck? How the fuck is sweet chili dipping sauce at all relevant to the motherfucking Winter Olympics? How is sweet chili dipping sauce supposed to make anyone anywhere think about Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, Skiing, Luge, Hockey, or those stupid fucking wastes of air-time and human energy that are curling ice dancing? Yeah, McDonald's, when I think of an event where elite athletes from countries full of thousands of years of culture gather together to compete in ridiculously difficult tests of their athletic abilities, I think of sweet fucking chili dipping sauce. I am going to drive my fat ass to McDonald's right now so I can get in touch with the Olympics by dipping my deep-fried chunks of what may or may not be ground up chicken sphincter in sweet fucking chili dipping sauce. Thank you for making me feel like I'm in the heart of Vancouver, McDonald's.

The commercial then goes on to say at the end that you don't have to be an Olympic athlete, "...but you can eat like one." Really? Really, McDonald's? I know you have a gajillion dollars that you've invested in sponsoring the Olympics and advertising and finding ways to lie to the general public so they don't find out that you're Satan's slightly more evil twin brother, but this is too much. Olympic athletes eat at McDonald's? Yeah, these elite athletes who spend most of their days training without oxygen running up hills while carrying boulders in the fucking Himalayas so they can dominate their respective sports eat McDonald's. Nothing helps an athlete maintain peak physical condition like a box of greasy deep-fried shit and a side of greasier deep-fried shit; all washed down with a 600 ounce Coca-Cola. It's not like these streamlined, physically perfect athletes need to eat anything specific to maintain their athletic edge, they're all just cramming Big Macs down their necks any chance they get.

No, I do not think that none of the athletes ever indulge in fast food. I'm sure that when one trains as hard and as religiously as they do, they are allowed a few moments of culinary indiscretion and they probably eat some fries. But, what pisses me off is McDonald's implication that their food is quality enough that Olympic athletes eat it on a regular basis. Or that these athletes are gorging on Chicken McNuggets (dipped in sweet chili dipping sauce, of course) while preparing to compete in the games. It is not, and they are not. Of course, anyone with any semblance of intelligence would know this, but these companies wouldn't make these commercials if they didn't have evidence that the stupid shit they say affects someone. Somewhere, there is some fat fucker who plays golf twice a year who will see this commercial and think "I'm an athlete, too, I should eat at McDonald's because that's where Olympians eat!" That fat, stupid piece of shit should do the world a favor and get hit by a bus on his way to the golden arches. Maybe if all the dumb fucking morons who buy into the stupid shit commercials say were to be eliminated, those of us who don't live our lives with our heads up our asses when we're not cramming food in our mouths could stop being subjected to these stupid fucking commercials.

Fuck you, McDonald's. Fuck you for dropping an exorbidant amount of money in an effort to further fool the ignorant general public into thinking that your food isn't shitty heart-attack death in uniformly cut meat by-product patties or nuggets. Or that you don't only make these commercials so you can continue make 500% profit off of the cheap shit you buy from corporate run farms. Fuck you for continuing to be a great big player in the "What's Wrong With Society?" game.

Suck it, McDonald's. Go ahead and slather some sweet chili dipping sauce on it if you need to.