Mother Nature, Revisited

Alright, Mother Nature. I don't know what it's going to take. I know, I've called you some terrible things. I've said some mean and hurtful things about you. I can see now that such an approach is only making you angrier and more intent to unleash some sort of cold, windy, snowy, icy, bitch-fit of rage upon me and everyone within 800 miles of me. So I'm going to try to ask nicely this time. Pretty please, with sugar on top (or gumdrops or cookies or dried prunes or whatever the fuck your old ass likes on top), stop this madness. Stop with the snow storms. Stop with the 25 mph winds making 20 degrees feel like 0. Just stop. Winter was fun for a little bit, but you have to be getting bored. So just dig deep, find whatever trace of nice old lady you can find in that dark pit of despair you call a heart, and stop. Your winter tantrum needs to be over. Seriously.

Actually, you don't even need to stop. Just take that shit to British Columbia so those fools in the Olympics can actually have some snow to ski on. Why would you feel the need to dump 68 gajillion tons of snow on every state east of the Mississippi but not any on the place where they're holding the Winter Olympics? They want the snow. They beg for it, and when they don't get it, they create the shit. I think this just proves my point that you are acting like a vindictive cu...wait...no...I'm being nice. You're just not being very nice, and everyone would appreciate you changing your attitude a little. Pretty please, with that nasty, cheap hard candy that every old lady has sitting in a bowl on her table on top; stop.

Speaking of the Olympics...Canada. Oh, Canada. Seriously? What the fuck was up with that opening ceremony last night? I tuned in just as the US team was walking in, so anything that happened before that which might have been cool, I missed. What I saw after that had me thinking I was watching a bad version of a failed Vegas show producer's LSD-inspired dream.

The tribal stuff? Not awful, and although you could have left Global Warming out of it, the iceberg breaking apart effect was pretty cool.

The Orcas? Not bad, except that the blowholes moved along their backs as they swam, making it a little cheesy.

The terrible Peter Pan wannabe guy who looked like a poorly drawn anime character? What did that have to do with anything other than some rich guy's kid wanting to be in the opening ceremonies? Dad donated a few hundred grand and his goofy ass looking kid gets to fly around for a few minutes. Neat.

The crazy tatted up guys with Mohawks doing fucking clogging or tap-dancing or river dancing or whatever the fuck they were doing? What the hell, Canada? What was that bullshit? If I wanted to watch some tatted up douchebags dance around like fucking morons, I'd go to any club near any college campus on any weekend night. I certainly wouldn't watch the Winter fucking Olympics in hopes of seeing such retarded behavior.

The Rocky Mountain sequence? Yeah, the part where you hung some sheets from the ceiling...impressive. My daughter has built equally impressive tributes to the Canadian Rockies in her room, but hers have pink and purple stripes and weren't boring a bunch of athletes and the 68 people still too lazy to reach for the TV remote to change the channel.

And, my personal favorite...the big fat dude with the beard that couldn't quite seem to make it up to his jawline from his neck who sounded like a bad tourism board presentation and stood and proclaimed that "We are the True North!" in a manner that would make any American redneck who believes the South will rise again head for the bunker to prepare for the next invasion...brilliant. You realized that by that point, most people had tuned out and this guy's rambling about Canadian ownership of "The North" would go unnoticed. Well, I saw it, and I'm telling Greenland, Finland, Sweden, Russia, and all of those other countries who are just as "North" as you are what you said. They're going to want to kick your ass, Canada. You'd better be ready, and you better have something better with which to defend yourself than that that faulty torch tower thing. Yeah, I saw that too.

I will say this, Canada...thank you a million times for not involving those fucking bastard children of yours called Nickleback in any of the opening ceremonies. I would have forever lost any respect I might have for you as a friendly neighbor had you had those talentless fuckholes doing anything on my TV. You don't want to lose my respect, Canada. Just ask that bit...er...Mother Nature.