It's Called the Express Lane.

The sign clearly says "Express Lane - 12 Items or Less." Hey, crazy white chick wearing a turban, I see that you only have 7 items, and in that respect, you are following the spirit of the Express Lane. However, crazy white chick wearing a turban, you counting out the $4.57 you are short in change is not at all in the spirit of the Express Lane. In fact, your change counting ways go against everything the Express Lane stands for. You see, crazy white chick wearing a turban, the idea behind the Express Lane is that it's a line designed specifically for those of us who don't want to spend all afternoon waiting to check out when all we want to buy is one scrumptious GreenLife chocolate chip cookie. You get in the line with less than 12 items, you have your method of payment ready, and everyone who wants to quickly get out of the store is happy. When you spend 4 minutes digging change from the bottom of your purse, then counting it out and trying to do math in your head to figure out how much more you need, you are absolutely fucking up the flow of the Express Lane.

Now, I can be patient for a little bit. I've been broke before, so I know what it's like to have to scrounge up some change for food. I can smile and pretend that I'm not picturing the chick in line behind me delivering a perfect roundhouse kick to the side of your head. I can give you a half-assed smile when you look and say "Sorry" to the 6 or 7 people who have mistakenly stepped into the Express Lane thinking that it would indeed be express. I can even refrain from making sarcastic comments about your penny counting fucking the express right out of Express Lane. What I will not tolerate, crazy white chick wearing a turban, is you running out to your car real quick to look for another dollar when you find that you are a dollar short. So here, here is a fucking dollar. It is worth it to me to spend this dollar on getting you the fuck out of my way.

Oh, really? You want to say something like "This guy is in a hurry" when I give the dollar to the cashier? Yes, I am in a fucking hurry, you crazy white bitch wearing a turban, that is exactly why I brought my ass to the Express Lane. If I wanted to stand around and watch people count change, I'd hang out at the bank or at WalMart when the Senior Center brings all of the old fuckers in for shopping day. I am not interested in watching you spend any more time counting change. That is not why I am here. I am here to pay for this delicious fucking cookie and get the hell out so I can get to work on time. Just say "thank you," bitch, get your shit and move the fuck on. No need for any commentary about my being in a hurry, just go. I didn't comment on your goofy ass turban that couldn't look more awkward on anyone anywhere than it does on your pasty white noggin, so shut the fuck up about me being in a hurry when I'm standing directly under the fucking Express Lane sign. No. You do not need to go to your car to find a dollar to pay me back; like I said, it is worth it to me to spend this dollar on your dumb ass. I don't need your nickle and 93 pennies in return. This was a random act of "get the fuck out of my way" based kindness, now go away; or this bitch behind me is going to Chuck Norris that turban off your fucking head.