Thursday Granola and Van Halen

Hey Bitches. It's Thursday. I know you all knew that, but I am going to try to keep this blog somewhat informative. You know, have social value and shit. Also, I have learned by reading other blogs over the course of time that it is important to tell everyone what you have recently eaten. People (myself included) love to talk about food, and you can always strike up a conversation with a mention of something tasty you ate. Unless you're talking to a starving person in a third world country, then maybe you shouldn't mention your tasty breakfast cereal that costs more per box than they'll make this month. I'm going to assume none of you are in a third world country or starving, so I'll tell you I had Nature's Path Peanut Butter Granola for breakfast. Damn right, hippie cereal. It is some tasty stuff. Oh, to any Nature's Path executives who might read this, there is no need for you to put a picture that is enlarged to show texture on the front. I buy your cereal because I like granola and I like peanut butter. Not because your granola nuggets have a perfect shape and look good on a spoon.

Now that your day is complete because you know what I had for breakfast, allow me to move on. The other day, while cleaning up around the house, I had Music Choice blaring through the surround sound. I had it on the "Retro Rock" station, because it plays a (usually) great mix of 70s, 80s, and 90s rock. Yeah, I'm old, fuck you. Anyway, at one point, the station plays Van Halen. It was them doing a horrific cover of "Oh, Pretty Woman". Not that "Oh, Pretty Woman" was really a genius musical effort when Roy Orbison created it, but a band like Van Halen covering it just makes it unbearable to listen to. Tat2wife and I looked at each other and just said "Really?"

Here's where I piss off some 40-somethings. Van Halen sucks. They sucked, they still suck, and they will suck worse as the band ages. They are into that stage of their careers where they check their dignity at the door and do little productive beyond cashing in on the nostalgia of children of the 80's. No, I don't blame them, I'd dupe suckers out of $80 a ticket as many times as I could, too. But they have to know that no one listens to them because of their talented contributions to the annals of music history. Yeah, Eddie can play the guitar, but so can a lot of guys making $7.25/hr at Best Buy. Certainly, no one listens for lyrical quality. Take for example this brilliant excerpt from "Hot For Teacher": "I brought my pencil, Gimme something to write on, man." Wow. That is some totally awesome 7th grade innuendo right there. Or how about this from "Panama": "Got an on-ramp comin' through my bedroom." Seriously? Got an on-ramp. Coming through...my bedroom. What the fuck? That is just fucking stupid. I could give a drunken baboon a pen and paper and he could come up with something equally impressive (and probably sing whatever it is better than any of the men who have fronted Van Halen).

O.K., I understand that Van Halen makes a lot of people remember the good times in high school; feathered hair that required a can of AquaNet per day, bandanas around the leg, high-tops, muscle shirts, and smoking doobies in your friend's bitching Camaro while rocking out to Diver Down. That's great. I also know the band inspires heated (but not always intellectual) debates about David Lee Roth v. Sammy Hagar. Save it. There is no debate, they both sucked. (Note that I didn't mention Gary Cherone, and that's because everyone says "Who?" when he is mentioned.) I will say that I'd rather listen to hyenas drowning in boiling water than hear that stupid fucking "ah-AH" scream that Roth did every 7 seconds in every song he's ever sung (you just did it your head, didn't you?), but that doesn't mean Hagar is any better. Being less annoying doesn't equal quality.

Anyway, Van Halen sucks. They were the Nickleback of the 80's. Bad hair, generic music, stupid fucking lyrics, and some sort of inexplicable appeal to the general radio listening public. Maybe it's subliminal. Maybe they pipe in some sort of hidden messages that make drunken soccer moms want to flash their titties and douchebags who still part their hair in the middle throw out their shoudlers doing emphatic air guitar solos. I don't know. I do know that if Van Halen had never formed, the music world would never have missed them. And maybe there never would have been Nickleback. Hey, any scenario where there is never a Nickleback is worth thinking about.

I'm off to listen to some good music to wash the thoughts of shitty rock bands out of my head. Later, Bitches.