Running and On-Line Dating Douchebags.

Hey Bitches. It's Friday, and I'm having a hell of a time trying to figure out how to start today's blog. I figured that if I rambled for a few sentences about having difficulty trying to start the paragraph, eventually I will find a way to segue into something resembling relevance. So far, no luck. But, after this sentence, I'll feel it.

Still not feeling it, but here I go anyway. I ran 7.2 miles today. I know that for some of you runner freaks, 7.2 miles is a warm-up for your daily after dinner marthon, but for me, 7.2 miles is an accomplishment. So take that condescending "Meh" and shove it up your ass, runner freaks. If nothing else, today accomplished the feat of making my ass hurt. For those who don't know, I'm big on fitness. However, until recently, I didn't ever run, because quite honestly, running sucks. It's painful, it's boring, it's painful, it's stupid, and it's painful. If it wasn't for the hot chicks at races and the marginally cool T-shirts I never wear, I probably wouldn't run. I don't enjoy running. I don't believe anyone truly enjoys running, they just tell themselves they do so they aren't tempted to punch themselves in the throat every time they do it. I'll admit, it was nice to be outside, but it's hard to enjoy the nice weather when your legs feel like they are shattering under the weight of the hatred you carry for yourself because you subject yourself to this torture. But, I did it, and I am happy. Mainly that I didn't die in the process.

Yes, I went through first-person, second-person, and third person narrative all in one paragraph. Pretty impressive, right?

I don't do on-line dating. I have no reason to, because I was fortunate enough to trick some unsuspecting chick into putting up with my lame ass a long time ago. She's still trying to figure out what the fuck she was thinking, I'm still thankful that she wasn't thinking. I do, however, have friends who do the on-line dating thing. I do not object to the concept, I think it can be a very valuable tool in meeting other people, much like lies and chloroform.

Some of these friends have been so kind to share photos of some of the people who various dating websites have suggested they contact. I must say, it is both entertaining and sad. It's entertaining because I like laughing at stupid people. It's sad because these people obviously are really that lame. Why would you go to a dating website, type in a bunch of shit about yourself that may or may not be entirely true, and then post a series of completely ridiculous pictures that portray you as a complete and total fuckstick?

Pictures that look like mughshots? That is what you think is going to win the heart of Ms. Right? If pseudo-mugshots turn Ms. Right on, you might want to check Ms. Right for a penis.

Pictures of your fucking eyebrows? Are you that proud of the fact that you can operate tweezers that you showcase your eyebrows? I know chicks don't like unibrows (or monobrows, or as they're referred to in Swahili; "Scary fucking caterpillar face fuckers" [a loose but accurate translation]), but your strategy is flawed, Mr. Eyebrow Picture Guy. You need to not creep chicks out so they'll get close enough to your face to notice your plucking skills. Posting a close-up of your eyebrows just gives the chicks a chance to memorize a target at which to aim the pepper spray should you ever see them in real life.

Shirtless pictures? Really, Mr. 30 pounds Overweight With No Muscular Definition? Hey, self-confidence is good. Self-delusion is not. Put your fucking shirt back on, Tubby. You may be an awesome guy, 30, but when you look like that, you have to woo the chicks with your sense of humor and personality before you bore them with your incredibly unimpressive physique. A lot of chicks can look past glaring physical imperfections, but not usually if you showcase them in poorly taken digital photographs as your first impression. If they think that's the best you have to offer, they're not going to be eager to meet your bad points.

Look, I know you guys may have great personalities. You may be funny, you may be rich, and you may have other physical attributes that can make up for your poor judgment in choosing photographs. But come on guys, if you don't take at least a little bit of pride in what you present to the ladies, you're going to get nothing (or the bottom of the barrel...and if you're slumming on an on-line dating site, you need a hobby). You wouldn't show up at a bar or church or PTA meeting dressed like a homeless person, stinking like ass and onions, and yelling at people "LOOK AT MY EYEBROWS!" then expect to land a chick, would you? No, because you know it doesn't work like that. You know you need to put some effort into it. So dudes, step it up, even a little. Stop making it so easy for douchebags with Harleys to land all of the tail.

To my friends who have been subjected to these losers, you're welcome. Any minute, you can expect much better stock to choose from.

With that, I'm going to see if I can't find more stupid people to laugh at. Peace, Bitches.