Fuck Owls.

I've never really cared for owls, no matter how smart that one in Winnie the Pooh was. That creepy 180 degree head turn and eery "whoo" thing they do had long put them on the list of animals/birds I really couldn't give a shit about.

Well, now, I hate them. All of them. Every damned pygmy owl or great horned owl or spotted owl (yeah, that's right, a blog with "hippie" in the name hates spotted owls...fuck those bitches). The reason for my newfound hatred? Well, last night, as I was driving home from work at 12:15, in the pitch black and fog of a North Carolina mountain night, I see something coming down a hill out of the corner of my eye. A millisecond later, this big fucking owl flies about a foot in front of my windshield. I'm not sure how I didn't hit it. It was huge, looked more like a condor or pterodactyl or something.

I don't scare easily, and I have perfected my facade of being a big, tatted, angry motherfucker. But that stupid fucking owl made me scream like a little girl on a roller coaster. If I hadn't taken a leak right before I left work, I probably would have peed a little. A few seconds earlier, I was passionately singing along with Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter," now I was driving wide-eyed, the sound of my heart pounding drowning out any music. Fucking owl.

So fuck you owls. All of you. Eagle owl, suck it. Burrow owl, double fuck you for being so dumb that you don't know that birds live in trees, not holes in the ground...stupid fucker. Sammy the Owl, the mascot of Rice University, eat a dick you big, freaky, stuffed piece of shit. Yeah, even you, Woodsy. Fuck you. I'm going to go litter in a park today just to piss you off and show that I most certainly don't give a hoot. Not now. Thank your inconsiderate cousin who scared the shit out of me last night.

I know that it's not necessarily acceptable to hate an entire order of birds based on the behavior of one rogue family member, but fuck it. I'm too mad at Mr. Wise for his failed Kamikaze run on my truck to consider forgiving the rest of you avian menaces. You bitches are lucky I don't have a gun, I'd be a one-man lynch mob walking through the forest at night, looking for revenge. "Who?" Me, motherfucker, thats who. *BLAM*

Fucking owls.