Facebook is Out of Control.

Hey Bitches. I told myself that I wasn't going to blog twice in one day, because the internet can only handle so much brilliance per day, and also because doing so might make me go blind. However, I didn't blog yesterday, so I feel o.k. putting this one out.

Today, I got an e-mail from my dentist advising me that I can now follow them on Facebook. My dentist's office is on Facebook. Let me re-type that in a more disbelieving italicized font for effect: My dentist's office is on Facebook. Really? What the fuck would make my dentist's office think that anyone would want to friend them? Dr. L, you provide a valuable service, and I appreciate the free ancient manual toothbrushes and travel sized toothpaste that you give out, but dude...people hate you. You charge us a shitload of money and then torture us for an hour every 6 months. I'm sure you're a cool guy after working hours, but you're not really a friend. None of my friends chastise me regularly for not flossing properly. None of my friends annoy me with shit like "Maybe you should spend some more time on your molars." Yeah, well maybe you should get the fuck out of my mouth. And give me my $400 back.

It's no secret amongst those who know me that I don't Facebook. I never have, and will avoid it until I am forced to sign up at gunpoint by militant Facebook guerillas. Because of that, I'm no Facebook expert. However, I spend enough time on the internet to have an idea of what goes on. People post a bunch of random shit about themselves, their life, their kids, whatever; they post pics; they take inane little surveys and quizzes and find out important stuff like their Heavy Metal 2000 gargoyle name would be Assblaster Spelunkmeister; and some even play some stupid fucking farming game or something (which sounds about as enjoyable as licking sandpaper and drinking lemonade). It's a place for people who think highly of themselves to share their life with 5 people they really like and 450 people they really don't care about but befriend because they like feeling wanted. I'm not bashing people who Facebook, obviously, I think highly enough of myself to share my thoughts with the world through this magnificent blog. But, you don't need pics of my ugly ass getting shit-faced at my daughter's 9th birthday party to make the experience better.

Which brings me to a complaint I've heard from people who do Facebook...kid updates. As a public service to my bitches, I will type this out and you can cut and paste or link or whatever to those people who annoy you with kid updates: Look, everyone knows you're proud of your kid. Everyone understands that the laws of nature took a break and allowed you to procreate, and now you feel the need to share that with the world. But seriously, no one but Grandma and Grandpa, maybe one or two aunts, and that one creepy chick friend who doesn't have any kids because she's too fucking annoying to get a date, much less get laid cares about your kid. No one gives a fuck that Baby Zoe took a shit that sounded like a harmonica and looked like smurf pudding. No one wants to know that Baby Jack looked cute in his gay little sailor outfit on the first day of pre-school. Stop bothering people who have a life. I have a kid. She's awesome. But I certainly wouldn't annoy the people I call friends by calling them every 3 minutes to tell them she did something marginally funny. Post a pic so everyone can go "Aww, so cute!" or "Eww, that's an ugly fucking monkey baby" and let it go.

Moving on...what I don't get is what the fuck my dentist's office could possibly do to make spending any amount of time on their page worth the click. What would the status updates be? "Just spent 38 minutes digging steak gristle out from between Mrs. Jenkin's 14 and 15." Or "The sores in Mr. Jacobson's mouth aren't going away, will require further treatment." Seriously, why would anyone befriend their dentist? I don't want to see pics of anyone's fucked up dental X-rays, I already know what the staff looks like, and I really don't give a rat's ass that Dr. L's rice plantation took a hit during an e-drought. I don't listen to my dentist during the time I'm in his office, why would I make any effort to follow him on Facebook?

Because society is so enamored with Facebook, places like my dentist's office feel the need to further make the experience of interacting in cyberspace as lame as it can be. I'm glad I'm not a chick, I can't imagine what it would be like to get an e-mail from the Gynecologist saying "Follow us on Facebook!"

Although...I might actually sign...nevermind.